we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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