you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
