i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
