i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
