In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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