I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
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Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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