i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I deserve this hangover.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
