so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
