I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
