I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
