all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
