Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
