woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
