I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
