God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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