Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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