shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
