You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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