They should really pass out barf bags in church
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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