Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
