i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
