Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
