the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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