I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
