Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
