I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
