i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
