Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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