This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
false alarm, still single
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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