my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
