Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Randomize
