Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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