If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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