Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
