Cold hands, warm shart.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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