Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
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She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
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Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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