It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
