who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
