and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
