were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
