I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
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