I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
