My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
please don't ironically join a cult
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