remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
