I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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