I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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