Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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