You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
