Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
