when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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