We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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