A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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