i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
